Navigating Toddler Sharing: A Quick Rant
Now that Kelly Rae is on the move, she's all over the house, exploring and hunting down her own toys. The problem is, she always seems to want the exact toys that Lane, who's almost 3, is playing with. Surprisingly, Lane has been pretty cool about sharing with his sister and usually hands over a toy or two for her to play with. But, being the annoying little sister she is, Kelly Rae never seems interested in the toys Lane willingly gives up. Nope, she always goes for the one that's currently in his hand. And so, the fights begin (and I know I'm only at the start of the sharing battle with a 2.5-year-old and a 7-month-old).
When my toddler starts bawling because his sister snatched one of his toys, I usually hit him with a classic line like, "Hey, we have to share with our sister." More recently, my toddler has started telling his sister to play with her own toys. This has me wondering when I should actually force my toddler to share and when it's acceptable for him to "play with his own toys."
Growing up with a sibling of my own, I cherished the things that were truly mine, like my bedroom and my Barbies. Having to share almost everything, it was nice to have a few things that I knew I didn't have to share. Now, as a parent, I'm struggling to find the right balance. Sharing is an essential skill to learn during childhood, but if kids share sometimes or only share certain toys while keeping others for themselves, is that enough?
The concept of teaching sharing becomes even more complicated when it involves strangers instead of just friends or family. A few months ago, we were on a family trip to Scottsdale. Since it was summer and Arizona is scorching hot, we spent most of our time at the resort pool. We brought a few toys for Lane to play with in the pool, including his beloved Paw Patrol toy that can entertain him for hours. It comes as no surprise that many of the other kids at the pool also wanted to play with that same toy. Various kids would come up and try to take the Paw Patrol toy while Lane was in the middle of playing with it. It made for an uncomfortable parenting situation as I tried to navigate it with Lane. My instinct was to ask Lane to please share with his new "friends," but upon reflection, I'm not sure he should have to. If this was the one toy he brought to the pool and the one he is currently playing with, is it really fair to ask him to share it with a child he has never met before?
During one of these tricky situations, the mother of one of the kids who wanted to play with Lane's toy intervened. While I was asking Lane if he could share his toy (because what else was I going to say in the moment), the mom sweetly told her daughter that Lane was playing with his own toy right now. Then she said something that really struck me: "It's kinda weird that we ask children to share their things when, as adults, we don't share our stuff with strangers." She had a point. It got me thinking about how I wouldn't be expected to share my towels, sunscreen, or hat with other adults. So why do we hold our kids to different standards? Is it okay for them to have different expectations?
In doing a little research, I learned that according to the American Academy of Pediatrics, children younger than 3 cannot understand how to share, and that sharing skills usually don't develop until around the ages of 3.5 to 4 years old. Great Kids Inc's website also emphasizes embracing parallel play and encouraging activities that do not involve a lot of toy sharing when toddlers play together. It suggests allowing children to have extended turns with a toy.
Learning all this gave me some comfort, knowing that Lane is still developing the skills needed to learn how to share. That's why teaching it at this age is such a challenge. He doesn't quite understand why his sister, or another kid would want to play with the same toy he's playing with.
But hey, don't get me wrong—I still get the importance of sharing as a skill. It's crucial for making and keeping friends, taking turns, negotiating, and learning to handle disappointment. Sharing also teaches us about compromise and fairness. It's an essential skill for becoming a productive member of society (or at least for surviving elementary school).
So, will I continue to teach Lane how to share with his sister and friends? Absolutely.
However, I'm also going to explore finding the right balance—when sharing makes sense and with whom. The longer I'm a mom, the more questions I have about what the heck I'm actually doing and whether it's the right thing. But hey, that's all part of the journey, right? XXX McKenzie